Today as I approached the tunnel, I had a fleeting feeling of guilt. How could I have authorized that surgery? How could I do that, make that decision for another human being? I felt terrible. I did not have the follow up thought that he may still be alive if I hadn't.
I did not kill him by authorizing the surgery. The kidneys failed post-op. The dialysis failed him; his body was too weak to handle it.
I did the best I could with what I had. The kidney failure greatly reduced his life expectancy. I didn't pull the plug, nature did.
Last night I changed the wallpaper on my phone. It had been a photo of us laughing together on the couch, when I was about 2, to a picture of the forest in Rhode Island last fall. This morning I changed it back. I like seeing his smiling face too much every day.
Baby steps.
No comments:
Post a Comment