The Sting is duller

Because I have been fOllowing the Casey Anthony travails so closely, the 22nd of May came and slipped past my notice. I miss our dear Froggy very much. The feelings are just unpredictable sometimes. I cried in the car this morning. I have been recounting bits of Mem. Day 2010 and I miss him. Naomi has disappeared into the mist. I hope she is ok.

More fits and starts

I started to write an email to Dad's cousin today and stopped twice.  I wanted to write that T is acting more like himself, but how does one really tell one's middle aged cousin what the problem was without sounding like white trash?  It won't do, I say.  It simply won't do.  "Good news, things are improving.  T has decided that drinking and imbibing herbs aren't the path to good familial relations or true happiness..." No, no, no.  Can't be said.  Can't be UNSAID.  And it reflects badly on the family and the old man.  I'll have to keep my insight to myself.

T graduated from college on Saturday.  Neither of us went to the ceremony.  He didn't go because he only wants the paper, and I didn't go because I had to work.  Both of us would have gone had I been able to go.  If Dad were alive, all of us would have gone.  Oh well.  We went out to lunch and had something approximating a riproaring time.  As riproaring as you can get on a Saturday afternoon with no booze (which is as riproaring as I care to get, having experienced all the "fun" lately).

I got the letter for the Bar Assoc. done.  Isn't it amazing how you can sit around wringing your hands about something for six weeks, then get it done in two days and it sounds polished and stress-free?  My recurring anxiety was that I had forgotten how to write and was going to make an ass of myself in writing.  Like so much of life, I needn't have worried.  It was fine.

I talked to the secretary about how sometimes I feel emotionally overwhelmed.  I feel bereft of speech.  That's why I never called Kathy back and I feel so bad about trying to report on T.  It's not that I can't find the right words, it's that I feel bereft of my social manners.... it's so hard to explain.  She said that she'd lost her husband in January and totally understood.  It's like speech, thought, and social skills just utterly leave you.  For me this is compounded by T's bizarre behavior that I have discovered is due to drugs and alcohol, not whatever BS he tried to spin.  I remember coming to that realization, and being both relieved and horrified.  I was relieved because I KNEW it was not spurred by the family, or even by grief.  I was beginning to think he was a psychopath or was finally coming into some kind of mental illness.  Well, if not the last reason, it was the effect of marijuana and alcohol, plus probably the organic herbs.  I never smelled alcohol on him those times he was CLEARLY NOT WITH IT.  But at least there is a reason, something tangible that can be pointed to.  The new order of the day is to try to blame ME for his disjointed outlook.  Sometimes I feel like I'm spinning a globe and each new bit of blame that comes along is like the next successive country I would see on the globe.  I'm looking forward to the last swat of the globe, the last spin before he gives up and settles on himself as the cause.

We both do blame other people for our personalities, but the difference is... I can only point to people who are now dead, and he can just cast his finger at me!  Nice. 

Uh huh, uh huh.. I smell it

Had an enjoyable, somewhat lengthy convo with T about mom, the $1 for $25 story, his early life -- funny stories about him, family.... All over the place... Our individual memories about time with both parents, etc... It was enjoyable.. Then at some point i detected the emotional busy signal from him.. Not awful, but I detected a slight, slight wavering on his part toward cosmic shutoff. I stopped while I was ahead and let him go to bed. About 20ish minutes passed before I detected the skunkweed wafting through my bedroom vent. Uh huh... Unmistakable.

In other news I have not been back to Alanon. I.. should go again. It's good to have supports. I need to get all my supports in place already. Slipping into complacency.