I went to Al-Anon this week (I've forgotten already which night it was), and picked up some new lingo. Apparently my afflicted associate is referred to as a Qualifier. The meeting was fine; the leader of the group was too talky and so I didn't get as much out of it as I'd hoped. I have a nagging suspicion I may know her from another time in my life, and just not remember now. It's all anonymous so whoopty doo if I do. If I cared more, I would give it more thought. I'm not sure I'll be able to attend that session again, so it really doesn't matter. She's not a librarian, she's not a lawyer's wife, she's... could be a teacher, but I doubt it. She is a middle aged mother, I assume her children are not far off of my age. Ohhhhhh for fuck's sake. Now I will be thinking about it on my bike ride. I recognize her teeth, I think. I will have to think harder because my 35-year-old brain is addled.
Anyway, nice tangent. I immediately lost the schedule of meetings when I got home. I was in two places! I cannot find it for the life of me and don't want T to find it, but he probably will. I've had conversations with him and my uncle and I just hope I haven't pushed too hard. Maybe AA Is The Way for this boy. It isn't my decision.
Can't find my cell phone. Very annoying. Reapplied to the University for summer and fall. I have to start somewhere. As soon as I got on campus, I lost my keys and had to spend 45 minutes looking for them. Just like old times. I also literally shat my pants. I ..... tried to pass wind..... and it was more than wind.... charming. I have issues with this school, clearly. It wasn't more than a Browning, a fierce liquidish spot undetectable to the human eye or nose. But Paul was with me, and bizarrely stuck his thumb and pointer finger up my crack as I mounted the stair, thereby MAKING CONTACT BETWEEN MY BUTT AND THE WET FABRIC OF MY PANTS. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK??? WHO DOES THAT? I was like, what are you doing? STOP THAT! Apparently he meant to do something else, but I moved. I was like, I just wet farted myself. Mortifying. It's very strange to be walking around the campus as a 35 year old resuming my studies. Right away I felt like an extra on a bad college movie set. It was bizarre. It was like visiting your elementary school when you're in junior high. My body is like 60 pounds heavier than the last time I was a student. That's a lot of girth to be dragging around. The campus is totally different as well. They've put up a bunch of new buildings, including an entirely new student union, and all the students look like 20 year olds. I feel I may get an automatic, unwarranted amount of respect from these twerps because I'm clearly O-L-D.
I'm glad my mind has changed as much as my body. I'm coming to conquer that place, like King Kong. Where's my banana.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I give up, I am going to find an Al-Anon
So our reconstituted family, comprised of 2 members, has one member who drinks and/or does drugs, who has emotional problems, and who is not ready to move on from them.
So the concerned other party wonders, just what do I do about this. Well I guess the answer is, find an Al-Anon stat and back off. I did have a talk with T about some of the outstanding issues and concerns, and before I could articulate the final concern, he said, "Aaand here comes the judgment." Wow. What the fuck? The general discussion was very good and beneficial. It eventually moved to the hallway, in the dark with only a computer for illumination.. or maybe a dim light in the other room. I was focused on his eyes and detected.. something.. wasn't sure what.. tears, maybe. As it shifted to the stairs, I decided to go down the stairs some and be physically closer. The light was on by that point and I noticed very bloodshot eyes. I said, "Hey, uh.. What are we dealing with here? .. Um.. Alcho.. Or something.. " and he said, "Yeahhhh..." shaking his head, acknowledging being caught either on something or drinking.. I assume smoking? I didn't detect any alcohol.
This whole talk was longer and more involved than I'm making it appear. But I was surprised at some point to discover that he was possibly high or drunk. I tried to tell him, again, that he is different when high or drunk. But he got irritated with me for alluding to what he calls "third-personhood." He doesn't understand.
I was talking to him earlier today and accidentally offended him by saying that I thought he was emotionally at the level of me at 13. I didn't say it in anger, I was just making an ill-received comment about where I perceive him to be. I should have kept it to myself. I think it hurt his feelings. But, I perceive him to be there, and I explained tonight more of the background and why. I hope it made sense. My brother, while using alcohol and/or weed, and/or mushrooms, lacks the ability to understand that it changes him and makes him into Tim on Booze, or Tim on Drugs. Tim on Anything is not the same GUY as just Tim. Tim isn't ready to give up booze or these low level drugs.
The problem is reconciling my perspective of him with Dad's perspective. Dad told him four times on his deathbed not to drink alcohol. Dad did not realize Tim was drinking and doing these stupid drugs. When Dad said, "I'm proud of you, fly right, keep your ducks in a row," blah blah blah, I'm certain Dad did not have a full fact sheet on Tim's habits as well as his academic/work life.
Tim thinks that if he's functional in his academic/work life, it's ok to be a hot mess in his private life.
We talked about the concept of an idealized person, someone who is able to reach their full potential. I said that families, plural, often want their members to be able to reach the full ideal despite what the individual is realistically capable of. I SAID THAT NOT EVERYONE CAN REACH THE FULL IDEAL, AND THAT THAT'S OKAY. You are who you are. The ultimate point I was driving at was being cognizant of the things that may prevent you from reaching your full potential, and making some effort to reconcile them before colliding with an innocent person who knows nothing of them.
I want my brother to reach his full happiness potential. He may not be able to because of his emotional baggage. THAT'S OKAY. I just want to keep him from harming others, and from abusing himself -- and me.
I have to maybe find a way to care less and still support him. Oh Alanon..
So the concerned other party wonders, just what do I do about this. Well I guess the answer is, find an Al-Anon stat and back off. I did have a talk with T about some of the outstanding issues and concerns, and before I could articulate the final concern, he said, "Aaand here comes the judgment." Wow. What the fuck? The general discussion was very good and beneficial. It eventually moved to the hallway, in the dark with only a computer for illumination.. or maybe a dim light in the other room. I was focused on his eyes and detected.. something.. wasn't sure what.. tears, maybe. As it shifted to the stairs, I decided to go down the stairs some and be physically closer. The light was on by that point and I noticed very bloodshot eyes. I said, "Hey, uh.. What are we dealing with here? .. Um.. Alcho.. Or something.. " and he said, "Yeahhhh..." shaking his head, acknowledging being caught either on something or drinking.. I assume smoking? I didn't detect any alcohol.
This whole talk was longer and more involved than I'm making it appear. But I was surprised at some point to discover that he was possibly high or drunk. I tried to tell him, again, that he is different when high or drunk. But he got irritated with me for alluding to what he calls "third-personhood." He doesn't understand.
I was talking to him earlier today and accidentally offended him by saying that I thought he was emotionally at the level of me at 13. I didn't say it in anger, I was just making an ill-received comment about where I perceive him to be. I should have kept it to myself. I think it hurt his feelings. But, I perceive him to be there, and I explained tonight more of the background and why. I hope it made sense. My brother, while using alcohol and/or weed, and/or mushrooms, lacks the ability to understand that it changes him and makes him into Tim on Booze, or Tim on Drugs. Tim on Anything is not the same GUY as just Tim. Tim isn't ready to give up booze or these low level drugs.
The problem is reconciling my perspective of him with Dad's perspective. Dad told him four times on his deathbed not to drink alcohol. Dad did not realize Tim was drinking and doing these stupid drugs. When Dad said, "I'm proud of you, fly right, keep your ducks in a row," blah blah blah, I'm certain Dad did not have a full fact sheet on Tim's habits as well as his academic/work life.
Tim thinks that if he's functional in his academic/work life, it's ok to be a hot mess in his private life.
We talked about the concept of an idealized person, someone who is able to reach their full potential. I said that families, plural, often want their members to be able to reach the full ideal despite what the individual is realistically capable of. I SAID THAT NOT EVERYONE CAN REACH THE FULL IDEAL, AND THAT THAT'S OKAY. You are who you are. The ultimate point I was driving at was being cognizant of the things that may prevent you from reaching your full potential, and making some effort to reconcile them before colliding with an innocent person who knows nothing of them.
I want my brother to reach his full happiness potential. He may not be able to because of his emotional baggage. THAT'S OKAY. I just want to keep him from harming others, and from abusing himself -- and me.
I have to maybe find a way to care less and still support him. Oh Alanon..
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Jittery jerkiness
I went to pick up my car this morning, and the guy is remarkably sensitive to my grief. Mechanics, hair dressers, who else... Sandwich makers... Or maybe people innocently fall down a long hole when they ask me certain questions, such as the usually innocuous "how are you?" well, please let me respond that i'm all right. It so happened that i had to go to the mechanic on October 5, the day after the funeral. I had gone to Paul's that night and was still in my mourning clothes the next day. I opted to Resume Normalcy and change the oil... Well the mechanic knew my dad, so i filled him in. So, he knows. I can't fool him even tho he only works on my car. What chance do i have of fooling anyone else or myself.
I don't want to see this house go. Whatever respite from anxiety i have is being here. I worry less. I shouldn't (Oh really? Says my inner voice. Shouldn't you be?) worrying, but now that i recognize what it is, it's so intrusive. I'm so sick of it. But it doesn't stop. The Known Unknowns. For example, did you know you can open a Roth IRA todayyyyy and stick ten grand in? 5000 for 2010, which is behind us, and 5000 for 2011? April 15 is the cutoff for the 2010 contribution. What i don't know can cost me money and compound interest. If i don't know enough to formulate the questions, how can i hope to find out nuggets like that? I know i don't know plenty. It's like i'm 18 again, overwhelmed by all i don't know.
I feel like a 1 year old learning to walk. I feel jittery all day. I seek reassurance from people i shouldn't. What's any counselor's phone number. I feel exposed and vulnerable.
I don't want to see this house go. Whatever respite from anxiety i have is being here. I worry less. I shouldn't (Oh really? Says my inner voice. Shouldn't you be?) worrying, but now that i recognize what it is, it's so intrusive. I'm so sick of it. But it doesn't stop. The Known Unknowns. For example, did you know you can open a Roth IRA todayyyyy and stick ten grand in? 5000 for 2010, which is behind us, and 5000 for 2011? April 15 is the cutoff for the 2010 contribution. What i don't know can cost me money and compound interest. If i don't know enough to formulate the questions, how can i hope to find out nuggets like that? I know i don't know plenty. It's like i'm 18 again, overwhelmed by all i don't know.
I feel like a 1 year old learning to walk. I feel jittery all day. I seek reassurance from people i shouldn't. What's any counselor's phone number. I feel exposed and vulnerable.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
The Pain of April
We are almost at a year since All The Trouble In the World began in earnest. I am feeling moody already, on schedule, on cue, as expected. I am heartbroken, both because we are now just into April and because soon enough, we will be dealing with the house issue, and none of it sits well. I feel unsettled, uncomfortable.. ish. I have been tracking how often I feel anxiety and about what, and I realize that I need a counselor. Like, now. Fuck trying to get T to go. He'll go, or he won't. I have to go regardless. I feel like spinning in circles, and too much spinning means... I am going to fall. I can't afford a fall.
I watched a movie tonight, Tarnation, ostensibly about a mother with schizophrenia. It was really more about her son and his feelings of alienation from her, emotional disturbance in youth. Precious little was about her. I was somewhat disappointed in how much was about him, with little connection to her. I understood his longing for her though, and his attempts to make sense of her life pre- and post-diagnosis. I did cry a lot, but it was more one-eye crying. He seems to have come out all right as an adult. The verdict is still out on us.
I will be going to the cemetary April 8 & 9. It beats hanging around Desert Springs, maybe the lobby. If I never have to go to DS ever again.... my heart is in that building. If I could talk to the me of one year ago, I'd say, Hang In There.. The Road is Very Bumpy, and This Road Trip Is No Fun At All, But Your Heart and Your Effort Are True and Good and All Will Be Tolerable Eventually.
We have to love ourselves through the darkest days and remember that God is here. I did write there, but there is here. Oh, how I miss my dad. .......
I watched a movie tonight, Tarnation, ostensibly about a mother with schizophrenia. It was really more about her son and his feelings of alienation from her, emotional disturbance in youth. Precious little was about her. I was somewhat disappointed in how much was about him, with little connection to her. I understood his longing for her though, and his attempts to make sense of her life pre- and post-diagnosis. I did cry a lot, but it was more one-eye crying. He seems to have come out all right as an adult. The verdict is still out on us.
I will be going to the cemetary April 8 & 9. It beats hanging around Desert Springs, maybe the lobby. If I never have to go to DS ever again.... my heart is in that building. If I could talk to the me of one year ago, I'd say, Hang In There.. The Road is Very Bumpy, and This Road Trip Is No Fun At All, But Your Heart and Your Effort Are True and Good and All Will Be Tolerable Eventually.
We have to love ourselves through the darkest days and remember that God is here. I did write there, but there is here. Oh, how I miss my dad. .......
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