Uh huh, uh huh.. I smell it

Had an enjoyable, somewhat lengthy convo with T about mom, the $1 for $25 story, his early life -- funny stories about him, family.... All over the place... Our individual memories about time with both parents, etc... It was enjoyable.. Then at some point i detected the emotional busy signal from him.. Not awful, but I detected a slight, slight wavering on his part toward cosmic shutoff. I stopped while I was ahead and let him go to bed. About 20ish minutes passed before I detected the skunkweed wafting through my bedroom vent. Uh huh... Unmistakable.

In other news I have not been back to Alanon. I.. should go again. It's good to have supports. I need to get all my supports in place already. Slipping into complacency.

I give up, I am going to find an Al-Anon

So our reconstituted family, comprised of 2 members, has one member who drinks and/or does drugs, who has emotional problems, and who is not ready to move on from them.

So the concerned other party wonders, just what do I do about this.  Well I guess the answer is, find an Al-Anon stat and back off.  I did have a talk with T about some of the outstanding issues and concerns, and before I could articulate the final concern, he said, "Aaand here comes the judgment."  Wow.  What the fuck?  The general discussion was very good and beneficial.  It eventually moved to the hallway, in the dark with only a computer for illumination.. or maybe a dim light in the other room.  I was focused on his eyes and detected.. something.. wasn't sure what.. tears, maybe.  As it shifted to the stairs, I decided to go down the stairs some and be physically closer.  The light was on by that point and I noticed very bloodshot eyes.  I said, "Hey, uh.. What are we dealing with here?  .. Um.. Alcho.. Or something.. " and he said, "Yeahhhh..." shaking his head, acknowledging being caught either on something or drinking.. I assume smoking?  I didn't detect any alcohol.

This whole talk was longer and more involved than I'm making it appear.  But I was surprised at some point to discover that he was possibly high or drunk.  I tried to tell him, again, that he is different when high or drunk.  But he got irritated with me for alluding to what he calls "third-personhood."  He doesn't understand.

I was talking to him earlier today and accidentally offended him by saying that I thought he was emotionally at the level of me at 13.  I didn't say it in anger, I was just making an ill-received comment about where I perceive him to be.  I should have kept it to myself.  I think it hurt his feelings.  But, I perceive him to be there, and I explained tonight more of the background and why.  I hope it made sense.  My brother, while using alcohol and/or weed, and/or mushrooms, lacks the ability to understand that it changes him and makes him into Tim on Booze, or Tim on Drugs.  Tim on Anything is not the same GUY as just Tim.  Tim isn't ready to give up booze or these low level drugs.

The problem is reconciling my perspective of him with Dad's perspective.  Dad told him four times on his deathbed not to drink alcohol.  Dad did not realize Tim was drinking and doing these stupid drugs.  When Dad said, "I'm proud of you, fly right, keep your ducks in a row," blah blah blah, I'm certain Dad did not have a full fact sheet on Tim's habits as well as his academic/work life.


Tim thinks that if he's functional in his academic/work life, it's ok to be a hot mess in his private life.


We talked about the concept of an idealized person, someone who is able to reach their full potential.  I said that families, plural, often want their members to be able to reach the full ideal despite what the individual is realistically capable of.  I SAID THAT NOT EVERYONE CAN REACH THE FULL IDEAL, AND THAT THAT'S OKAY.  You are who you are.  The ultimate point I was driving at was being cognizant of the things that may prevent you from reaching your full potential, and making some effort to reconcile them before colliding with an innocent person who knows nothing of them.

I want my brother to reach his full happiness potential.  He may not be able to because of his emotional baggage.  THAT'S OKAY.  I just want to keep him from harming others, and from abusing himself -- and me.

I have to maybe find a way to care less and still support him.  Oh Alanon..

The Pain of April

We are almost at a year since All The Trouble In the World began in earnest.  I am feeling moody already, on schedule, on cue, as expected.  I am heartbroken, both because we are now just into April and because soon enough, we will be dealing with the house issue, and none of it sits well.  I feel unsettled, uncomfortable.. ish.  I have been tracking how often I feel anxiety and about what, and I realize that I need a counselor. Like, now.  Fuck trying to get T to go.  He'll go, or he won't.  I have to go regardless.  I feel like spinning in circles, and too much spinning means... I am going to fall.  I can't afford a fall.

I watched a movie tonight, Tarnation, ostensibly about a mother with schizophrenia.  It was really more about her son and his feelings of alienation from her, emotional disturbance in youth.  Precious little was about her.  I was somewhat disappointed in how much was about him, with little connection to her.  I understood his longing for her though, and his attempts to make sense of her life pre- and post-diagnosis.  I did cry a lot, but it was more one-eye crying.  He seems to have come out all right as an adult.  The verdict is still out on us.

I will be going to the cemetary April 8 & 9.  It beats hanging around Desert Springs, maybe the lobby.  If I never have to go to DS ever again.... my heart is in that building.  If I could talk to the me of one year ago, I'd say, Hang In There.. The Road is Very Bumpy, and This Road Trip Is No Fun At All, But Your Heart and Your Effort Are True and Good and All Will Be Tolerable Eventually.

We have to love ourselves through the darkest days and remember that God is here.  I did write there, but there is here.  Oh, how I miss my dad.  .......