We are almost at a year since All The Trouble In the World began in earnest. I am feeling moody already, on schedule, on cue, as expected. I am heartbroken, both because we are now just into April and because soon enough, we will be dealing with the house issue, and none of it sits well. I feel unsettled, uncomfortable.. ish. I have been tracking how often I feel anxiety and about what, and I realize that I need a counselor. Like, now. Fuck trying to get T to go. He'll go, or he won't. I have to go regardless. I feel like spinning in circles, and too much spinning means... I am going to fall. I can't afford a fall.
I watched a movie tonight, Tarnation, ostensibly about a mother with schizophrenia. It was really more about her son and his feelings of alienation from her, emotional disturbance in youth. Precious little was about her. I was somewhat disappointed in how much was about him, with little connection to her. I understood his longing for her though, and his attempts to make sense of her life pre- and post-diagnosis. I did cry a lot, but it was more one-eye crying. He seems to have come out all right as an adult. The verdict is still out on us.
I will be going to the cemetary April 8 & 9. It beats hanging around Desert Springs, maybe the lobby. If I never have to go to DS ever again.... my heart is in that building. If I could talk to the me of one year ago, I'd say, Hang In There.. The Road is Very Bumpy, and This Road Trip Is No Fun At All, But Your Heart and Your Effort Are True and Good and All Will Be Tolerable Eventually.
We have to love ourselves through the darkest days and remember that God is here. I did write there, but there is here. Oh, how I miss my dad. .......
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